Roy Mustang Gone Wild
by Victorious-Mind
Summary: NON-YAOI! April Fools Special! Colonel Roy Mustang starts flirting with Edward. When Ed asks him what he's up to, Roy start dragging him to the dorms...to a bed... What the hell is he planning? MOCK-YAOI! Rated T for mature themes. Somewhat Parental!RoyEd-ish. Written just for laughs!


A/N: Heyy! How's it going? Alright, I know you all have dirty thoughts because of the picture, but I DON'T WRITE YAOI! YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT BY NOW! -Prepare to laugh because this is another MOCK-YAOI story… *sigh* RoyEd fans are going to kill me… OH WELL! HERE YOU HAVE YOUR SPECIAL APRIL FOOLS DAY STORY! Don't forget to thank me!

ENJOY!

* * *

Roy Mustang Gone Wild

It was supposed to be a normal day.

Edward was sitting down and having lunch in the cafeteria of the headquarters. He was going to deliver his report this afternoon, so he'd come early to eat.

Colonel Roy Mustang came and sat in front of him.

_Just great_, Ed though.

"Hello there." He said seductively.

Edward raised his head and stared at him.

"Uh…hi, sir?"

"You know your eyes are really beautiful, I hadn't noticed before."

Ed continued staring at him. His superior was staring at him as if he was some delicious cake.

"Did you hit your head somewhere, Mustang?"

Roy smiled even brighter. "No." he leaned in. "I'm sorry for teasing you all the time, so I decided to act a bit nicer today."

Ed scowled. What the hell was up with his superior? He was totally creeping him out. "Colonel, are you okay?"

Mustang smiled and held his hand out. "Come with me."

Ed turned back to his food. "No, I'm good, creepy bastard."

"You're coming with me." Mustang coldly repeated again, glaring at Ed. Seemed like he had went back to his old self. Or so it seemed.

"Where?" Edward asked.

Roy reached down and grabbed Ed's wrist in a vice grip and began dragging him out of the cafeteria.

"Hey!" Ed said. "Let go, I can walk."

But Mustang was ignoring him. He was staring right ahead, his face stern as usual. Edward tried to pull out his wrist from Roy's grip since it began to hurt, but no avail.

Colonel Roy Mustang was dragging him to the dorms.

"What?" Ed asked. "Why are we here?"

Mustang turned back at him and smiled creepily. "You'll see soon enough."

Ed shuddered. "Where's the Lieutenant?"

No answer.

"Here we are. A place where no one can hear us." Roy said as he pushed Ed into one of the rooms.

"Sit on the bed there." He pointed.

"Why?"

"Do as I say!"

Ed raised an eyebrow but sat on one of the beds. He looked around, waiting for Roy to get whatever he was going to get from the closet.

Then the Colonel turned around. One of his hands were behind his back, he was hiding it.

"What's that?" Ed asked.

Mustang didn't speak.

"You've been acting so weird since this morning. What the hell are you up to? What are you hiding? Why are we here? What do you mean a place where no one can hear us?" Ed asked angrily.

In one swift moment, Roy grabbed Ed's wrist, pulled it above his head, and handcuffed it. Then he brought the chain around the headboard and handcuffed Ed's other wrist, preventing him from doing alchemy.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" Edward yelled and began to struggle to get out of the handcuffs. He was lying on his back now and his wrists were over his head. "Is this some sort of joke?! Because it stopped being funny a long time ago!"

Roy smiled. "Who said it was a joke?"

Ed looked at Mustang. There was something in that smile. Something in those eyes.

Lust.

Ed began screaming and tried to kick Roy who moved a few steps back.

"I already told you that no one could hear us over here."

Ed continued struggling. He was staring at Colonel Roy Mustang with horror.

Was he..? But what about all the girls he'd went out with? And why him? What the hell was he planning? Why didn't anyone hear him?

Roy suddenly sat on his hips, pinning his legs.

Ed's eyes widened. "Get off! Stop! YOU PERVERT, GET THE HELL OFF! THIS IS PEDOPHILIA, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

Roy slowly put a hand on Ed's chest, much to his discomfort.

"You know Ed, I've always liked you." He began, while Ed stared at him in total horror. "Ever since you came to Central three years ago…" he continued.

He brought a hand to Ed's cheek and caressed it gently.

Though, Edward immediately turned his head and tried to bite him. "DON'T TOUCH ME! I'LL KILL YOU!" he screamed. "I'M GOING TO TELL THE LIEUTENANT!"

Mustang smirked. "You won't be able to when I'm done with you." He said sweetly.

"Bastard, BASTARD, BASTARD!"

Ed began screaming again. Roy leaned down and put a hand over his mouth.

Edward bit down and head-butted Roy on the forehead.

Roy straightened his shoulders, rubbing his head. "That wasn't very nice…"

"WHAT YOU'RE DOING ISN'T NICE! YOU'RE CREEPING THE HELL OUT OF ME! GET OFF!"

This time, Roy brought his hand on Ed's hair and untied the braid. "Such a nice hair color…" he said.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!"

Mustang unzipped the black jacket that Ed wore and then settled on Ed's shirt.

Edward stared at him. "STOP! STOP IT!"

"You'll enjoy it too, don't worry."

He slowly pulled Edward's shirt upwards, revealing Ed's midriff. "I like you, Ed. I'm not going to hurt you." He mumbled.

"NO! YOU DON'T LIKE ME, YOU HATE ME! GET OFF! I SWEAR I'LL TELL THE LIEUTENANT, YOU BASTARD! YOU'RE TWICE MY AGE, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! BACK OFF!"

Roy scowled. "I don't hate you, Edward. I love you." He mumbled, leaning in next to Ed's ear. "You're a virgin, right?" he whispered.

Edward paled, the palest Roy had ever seen him.

He put his hand under Ed's shirt and began trailing upwards.

Edward was shaking. His eyes were wide with horror but he didn't say a word.

Roy removed his hands and put both his hands next to Ed's head to prevent him from head-butting or turning away.

Edward shut his eyes tight, afraid that Roy was about to kiss him.

"_April Fools._" Mustang whispered.

Ed froze.

Roy got off of him and unlocked the handcuffs.

Edward turned on his side, and curled up, his face blank. Roy sat on the other bed and waited.

"Come on Fullmetal, it was a joke. Snap out of it."

After half a minute, Edward turned back at him and sat up. "APRIL FOOLS?!" He yelled. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO RAPE ME, YOU BASTARD!"

Roy looked away, his face bright-red. "It wasn't my fault. It's not like I wanted to pretend to be a pedophile." He pointed to the closet in the room. "Havoc, Breda, Falman and Fuery dared me to do it."

"I'M TELLING THE LIEUTENANT, YOU'LL SEE!" he yelled at him.

"Hey!" Roy panicked. "I-I'll court-martial i-if you do, don't you dare!"

"GO RIGHT AHEAD!" Ed challenged. "You do that, and I'll tell them you tried to rape me!"

Roy blanched and stayed frozen.

"I was this close to stabbing you!" Ed yelled again, pointing at the headboard of the bed. There was a transmutation circle carved on it, probably by Edward's nails. "If I had activated that, you'd have a wooden spike impaled in your stomach!"

Colonel Roy Mustang paled.

"Now…" Ed began, cracking his knuckles. He turned to the closet and began walking. Roy put a hand on Edward's shoulder to prevent him from going away. "Fullmetal, it was only a joke. Let it go alr-"

Ed turned around and punched Mustang in the stomach with his metal fist.

Roy bent down and dropped to his knees, coughing.

Maybe he really had went too far…

Edward walked to the slightly opened closet. He opened it completely and all four men in the closet yelled in fear.

"So…" Ed started, smiling evilly. "I take it that you enjoyed watching the Colonel molest me?" he asked.

"I DIDN'T MOLEST YOU!" Mustang yelled, still coughing on the floor, face-red.

"We're sorry, chief!" Havoc yelled, shaking.

"Please forgive us!" Breda whimpered.

"We won't do it again, sir!" Falman added.

"We're sorry…" Fuery mumbled.

Ed smiled. "Oh, I'll forgive you alright. After I'm done with you, of course."

* * *

Lieutenant Hawkeye walked towards the dorms and pushed the door open.

Falman, Fuery, Breda, Havoc and Colonel Mustang were suspended in the air by their ankles, with mustaches and circles written over their faces. Their uniforms were also transmuted into pink. Roy Mustang stared at the Lieutenant in horror. "Get us down!" he yelled.

Riza stared at the wall behind them.

"_April Fools. Ha Ha Ha."_ It said.

Lieutenant Hawkeye sighed and turned around, walking towards the door.

"IT'S AN ORDER!" Mustang yelled after her.

"You deserved this." She said, shrugging and left, leaving the four men suspended in the air.

It had been two hours they stayed that way, until Maes Hughes came and found them.

Colonel Mustang felt lucky that no one else had come to save them instead.

None of them ever talked about that incident since that day.

* * *

A/N: AHAHAHAHA You didn't think I was actually going to write yaoi, did you? That would be messed up... Sorry RoyEd fans! xD

APRIL FOOLS!

PLEASE REVIEW AND THANKS A LOT FOR READING!


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